Living, Learning and Loving

Unless it is mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it is a waste of time. There are too many mediocre things in life. Love should NOT be one of them.

Love is extraordinary. We try and make it simple, package it up with a pretty bow; however it's the opposite of that. It's a complicated beautiful mess, it isn't neat, it's a huge spectacular supernova. Have you seen a picture of a supernova?

It is breathtaking and we look all over the universe for it; just like love. I haven't written a blog in a long time; my life is going really well right now. I can feel that I'm closer to love than ever before and I think it's because I finally know who I am and understand myself. When you understand yourself it's easier for someone to love you because you no longer have to focus on yourself and your flaws and insecurities and can focus on the other person and their many attributes and they can love you despite your imperfections. I'm starting to feel comfortable in my own skin and that's a big revelation for me. If you're reading this and you're feeling lost or heartbroken remember this: You matter. You are an individual. You are your own person, unlike anyone else. You deserve the best. You will find love. You will be happy. The only person standing in your way of happiness is yourself. “Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.” “Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” Live boldly my friends and never apologize for loving someone with all your heart. <3

The First Cut is the Deepest

Today was one of the hardest days I have had to deal with. My friend tried to commit suicide and he called me after it happened. I was the first contact, so I went to his room and found him with blood on the floor and his arm wrapped a thousand times in toilet paper. My chest gets tight when I think about it again it's hard to let go of that image of him at his lowest. I thank God that he trusted me and could call me so I could save him. I pray that he gets the help he needs and accepts the resources I have set up for him because I can't imagine someone taking their life when they have so much to live for. I pray that he finds God in his life and that he learns that he can always go to Him for support as well as his friends. The first cut is the deepest, I will never forget what he and I went through today.

What have you done?

Fuck you.
I hate that you did that to me.
You disrespected me, humiliated me, and completely disregarded my morals and your own if you even had any to begin with.
It breaks my heart that you changed so much I don't even recognize you anymore.
I have deleted you from my life because after what you did I cannot stand to even think about you because it depresses me so much that I just want to lie down and not get up for a few months.
I thought you truly cared about me.
I guess I presume too much.
You said, "It was as easy as the wind with me and you."
Well guess what? It wasn't for me, for me it was as difficult as pulling a boulder up a mountain, always gasping for air and losing my footing, always looking around for a different path and failing.
How does it make you feel now that I didn't respond in the way you wanted?
I hope you find a sense of morality and a grasp on reality because the fantasy world that you were living in with me as your "soulmate" has burned to the ground and the ashes are burning my eyes.
Am I being dramatic?
No. You broke my heart but you cannot break my spirit because you never really loved me; you loved the version of me you created in your mind.
I hope I can forget you because right now I'm just devastated.

The leap of love

I haven't written a blog in a quite a while. My heart is bursting and my mind is spinning and if I don't get this out I might implode. I'm trying to understand why I always sabotage my relationships. Today I thought about all the guys that I've liked and when they started to show interest I run, no, sprint in the other direction. I've never had a serious boyfriend and it's because I'm scared. I'm scared shitless. I'm afraid that if I let someone in they will love me for a little while but get bored and move on and leave me, all alone. I'm arachnophobic (fear of spiders) and I would rather hold a tarantula in my hand than take a leap of love because at the end of the day we're all afraid of crashing to the ground with no one there to catch us. That's why we all watch the movies that portray the overly romantic relationships and that's why we read to our children the fairytales with the Princess who is rescued by her Prince Charming. It's because we all want that! A partner to spend your boring and exciting days with, a soulmate to share your deepest ambitions and secrets with, a lover that satisfies all your hopes, a best friend to console you on your worst days. If only I can let go and jump it would all be alright. God, please give me the courage to let go of my inhibitions, let me be okay with taking a risk and making the jump, the leap for love because everyone deserves to have someone love them in return. Because "the greatest of these is love".

The Adventure

I think God sends people into your lives for certain purpose and a lot of times it's hard to figure out what that reason is but you feel in your heart that they are supposed to be in your lives. I just reconnected with someone who I haven't talked to in probably a year or more and I'm glad he's back in my life. I'm not sure what God's purpose for us is but I know that you're supposed to be in my life right now. It's odd since I just said goodbye to someone who was in my life and hello to another put in my life. God is amazing; I cannot live, I can't breathe unless you do this with me, Lord. Life is the adventure and we have to jump off that cliff of indecision to begin. Love as though hate doesn't exist, love without limitations and love like God loves us. Experience everything and love always. So jump with me!

Black Words

You said stay
Do those words taste black
As you play them back?
Black with deceit
Black with lies
Now I'm stuck here as my heart cries
You said stay
But now I can't even play
The music that reminded me of you
Because it tempts the line you drew
On my heart to split into two
How do you expect to be forgiven
When it was my heart that was given
To you, letting all the barriers down
I have no regrets now
But I'll always have that memory
Of you saying communication was key
When it was over there was only a silent plea
You don't own me
So leave me be
You said stay
Well it didn't really matter anyway

Dear God it's me Margaret.

How do you begin to know how to let someone go who you don't want to? You seem SO perfect for me and yet your lifestyle is so much different from mine that I couldn't fathom that part of our life together. Why did you pick that? Is it really worth your life someday? I don't understand how I could cope with it. I know you're supposed to sacrifice some things for love but you can't sacrifice so much of yourself that you resent your life after you've made that sacrifice. I want to travel and you're content staying where you are for the rest of your days. I yearn for adventure with every fiber of my being and you are complacent with staying put. And yet I want to love you so badly, I want to be with you because you're so amazing and the sweetest guy I've ever met. How do I begin to let someone go who's so good for me and not at the same time? Dear God it's me Margaret.